


Get the Door Theon and Robb!

by rougefox



Series: You Can't Go Home Again (For the Holidays) [7]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Candy, Fluff, Halloween, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-29 19:24:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12091764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rougefox/pseuds/rougefox
Summary: Theon and Robb man the door handing out candy on Stranger's Night





	1. On With the Lights

**Strangers Night in a** **palatial home sitting on 20 acres of woodlands**

 

 

Theon took one last look around the foyer before turning to his husband.

 

 

“Are you ready?” he asked lifting one eye brow.

 

 

"Ready as I'll ever be," Robb shrugged as he filled the second bowl of candy.

 

 

Usually Theon’s good-parents would man the door of their palatial home on Stranger's Night. The Stark house was in a neighborhood known as a prime candy begging location so people from all over Winterfell would bring their children to wander the safe streets innocently uttering the line “May the Stranger pass your door!”

 

According to Jon’s liberal arts majored ex-girlfriend Ygritte, this was meant as a veiled death threat. According to Andal lore, Stranger's Night was the night the Stranger walked amongst the living and would take the souls of people he deemed unworthy. To hopefully confuse Him, one would wear a mask and the clothes of someone who had already died, which metamorphosed into wearing costumes. Children, according to legend, where not considered the Stranger's prey on this night. So they would go door to door offering to bless the house with their innocence to keep the Stranger at bay in exchange for sweets or gifts.

 

 

So in other words, "give me candy or you'll die". (Which when you think about it, this isn't the most innocent of actions. )

 

 

Theon couldn’t care less about the stupid story. Theon cared about chocolate. Mostly about getting as much chocolate in his mouth as possible in one night.

 

 

When he was kid and was a regular face at the Stark home, Theon got in trouble one year for sniffing out the chocolate for the beggars and eating the whole bag in one sitting. He got caught when he started barfing from too much sugar all over Mrs. Stark’s antique Snow Bear rug.

 

 

Now an adult Theon could hold his cravings in check. Sort of.

 

Catching himself staring at the bowl of brightly colored wrapped chocolate bars, he could feel his mouth watering. Robb saw his hungry and gave him a quick squeeze on the arm. Theon gave a quick nod to his husband as Mr. and Mrs. Stark swept into the room to gather their cloaks from the closet.

 

 

Mrs. Stark was particularly fond of Strangers Night, but this year she and her husband were going to large party at Edmure Tully's house.

 

 

Robb had instantly volunteered to take over candy duties to get out of having to spend the evening with his super flakey, uptight uncle and his pregnant again high school sweetheart/beard.

 

 

Theon would have been disappointed if they hadn’t spent the Saturday before dancing half naked at a _Black n Orange_ party at the local Leather club, The Brave Companions.

 

 

Catelyn Stark was a vision of loveliness dressed as Jenny of Old Stones complete with a wreath of silk flowers perched upon her head. Behind her, Ned Stark stood less enthusiastic. The white wig on his head looked ridiculous and Theon couldn’t think of person more ill-suited to dress as Duncan Targaryen.

 

 

Except for Jon, but that was irony for you.

 

 

“Where are your costumes?” Catelyn asked, her disappointment clear under all the makeup she was wearing.

 

 

Robb produced witch hats and robes from some where and handed a set to Theon.

 

 

 _Really?_ He mouthed to his husband examining his hat which was red with a giant black ostrich feather sticking out of the band.

 

 

“YES!” Robb hissed under his breath and jerked his head towards his mother who was straightening her husband wig were it had been knocked cockeyed when he put on his jacket.

 

 

Catelyn turned to her son and his husband and explained the rules; “The porch light is to be on till ten, you can leave the light on the lawn decorations all night, but turn off the sounds at nine and one piece of each candy to each child.”

 

 

She took a step towards the duo and lifted a finger at face height.

 

 

“Do not do the following- I’m looking at you Robb- set the candy bowls outside and let the children help themselves, turn off the lights before ten, let the sound on the lawn decorations stay on past nine or purposely scare away the children!”

 

 

She turned to Theon; “Theon Greyjoy do not think for one second I will not know if you ate all the chocolate and just gave out the Sweet Tarts! That trick didn’t work when you where ten and it certainly wont work now!”

 

 

Stepping back Catelyn found them properly mollified and continued; “Rickon is not to leave the house for any reason; he only got a warning from the police last Stranger’s Night and I do not want to wake up tomorrow to find Officer Barriston on my door step issuing a summons because my youngest son decided to climb into Sheeren Baratheon's room! If he breaths out the window tonight, you two are paying the legal fees!”  

 

 

Catelyn’s face turned somber for a moment, "Her mother should ashamed of herself neglecting that girl on Stranger's Night to run that religious abomination “The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors” house. I mean really, if your God commands you to pervert a night of fun with gruesome tableaus maybe you should reconsider your life choices."

 

 

 

Ned Stark put a hand on his wife’s shoulder and smiled at her.

 

 

“I just got a text from Lysa, they just pulled up,” he said softly.

 

 

Mrs Stark smiled and patted her husband’s hand.

 

 

Turning back to Theon and Robb she finished; “Bran, Jojen and Meera are to be in the house by midnight. Meera is staying in Sansa’s old room.”

 

 

“And Jojen will sleep wherever he passes out,” Theon muttered under his breath earning an elbow to the ribs from his husband.

 

 

Just then the doorbell rang and Theon thankful for the distraction rushed to open it. Instead of Stranger’s Night candy beggars, Petyr Baelish stood in a flamboyant costume that appeared to be an attempt at the notorious Braavosi playwright, Phario Forel.

 

 

“Madam!” he exclaimed in a deep theatrical voice looking past Theon to his good mother. “Your chariot awaits!”

 

 

Mrs. Stark smiled. She gracefully made her exit before turning and fixing Robb and Theon with a stare and hissing “Behave yourselves!”

 

 

“Catelyn you look exquisite!” Baelish oozed while spinning Mrs Stark making her velvet dress fan out.

 

 

Catelyn smiled politely. “Thank you Petyr, you look very colorful.”

 

 

Just then Baelish spoke a few lines assumedly in Braavosi and ended with a flourished bow.

 

 

Ned Stark rolled his eyes.

 

 

“We’re taking a cab home,” he muttered to his son before following his wife to the car.

 

 

As Theon closed the door he heard Baelish ask his good-mother; “Where is that enchanting daughter of yours tonight?”

 

 

Theon shrugged. It was Robb’s turn to roll his eyes.

 

 

They dawned their costumes and arranged the candy.

 

 

“Hold onto your butts,” Theon declared as he flipped on the power to the outside display.

 

 

Robb reached over and grabbed his ass playfully.

 

 

“What?” Robb shrugged at Theon’s wide eyed expression. “You looked like you needed help with your own command!”

 

 

Theon laughed and kissed his husband.


	2. The Golden Child

_Ding Dong!_

 

Theon extracted his tongue from his husband’s throat and opened the door.

 

 

On the porch stood Jaime Lannister dressed in a red shirt and khakis. His wife Brienne stood next to him dressed the same.  Cradled in Jaime's arms was their 10 month old baby, Joanna in similar garb only with an added blue vest.

 

 

“May the Stranger pass you on his way!” Jaime declared bouncing his daughter.

 

 

Robb learned forward and smiled at the baby; “She’s getting so big!”

 

 

“Isn’t she just perfect?” Jaime beamed. “And they say she is extremely advanced in her cognitive skills for her age!”

 

 

Theon studied the baby in Jaime’s arms. It was watching him with big blue eyes and chewing it’s fist in what could be described as a thoughtful manner but was probably just gas.

 

 

“What are you supposed to be?” Robb asked as Theon dropped the sorted candy into Brienne’s outstretched plastic bag

 

 

“PateMart greeters!” Jaime said with a smile.

 

 

Theon laughed. “What possessed you to choose that?”

 

 

“Watch!” exclaimed Jaime bouncing his daughter

 

 

“Wave to the nice witches!” Jaime cooed to the baby in his arms. The girl looked at them then moved her chubby, drool covered hand in the air while making a noise that could have been a greeting but was probably just gas.

 

 

Jaime was so proud he let out a cheer and kissed the baby on the head.

 

 

Brienne leaned forward and whispered loudly; “We ran out of time to get costumes together because she's kept us up till three every night this week.”

 

 

Theon snickered and Robb waved them on their way.


	3. The Princesses

_Ding dong!_

 

 

Theon opened the door to quite a sight;

 

 

On the doorstep stood three little girls and a woman with platinum blond hair.

 

 

“May the Stranger pass you on his way!” sang the choirs of little girls.

 

 

Robb took one look at his nieces and his jaw dropped. He wondered exactly how many hours Sansa had spent putting their outfits together or if Sandor just threw money at a seamstress till his girls were happy.

 

 

“And what are your costumes?” Theon asked repressing laughter and dropping candy into their plastic pails.

 

 

“I’m Princess Captain Westeros!,” declared Catie as she bounced making her plastic armor clink and blue tulle skirt flutter.

 

 

“I’m Princess Valyrian Steel Man!” Elinor declared then pretended to shoot Robb with her hand lasers while making her yellow and red tutu bounce.

 

 

“And I’m Princess Mad Danelle Lothston!” declared Sandy. She twirled in place making her bat wings shake and her fake blood stained dress fan out.

 

 

Theon had to turn his head to keep the girls from seeing his repressed laughter.

 

 

Robb bit his lip and turned to the slight woman behind them, “And you Dany?”

 

 

“I am Princess Ynei the Spikeful from the Island of Skagos!” Dany declared in her spiked armor waving a spiked mace. She held out a purse shaped like a Unicorn and Robb gave her candy.

 

 

“So where is Jon?” he asked.

 

 

Dany gestured over her shoulder to a man loitering uncomfortably on the side walk.

 

 

“What princess are you, Targaryen?” Theon called down the drive way.

 

 

Sandy put her hands on her hips and indignantly explained; “He didn’t want to be Princess _anything!_ So he has to go as Boring Man the most boring no costume wearing man in the world!”

 

 

Theon couldn’t help it anymore, he burst into tears with a loud cackle.

 

 

“So where is your father and mother tonight?” Robb asked ignoring his husband.

 

 

“Mother is handing out candy and father is hiding in the bushes with the garden hose to spray potential pranksters.”

 

 

Theon doubled over wheezing.

 

 

“Mr. Clegane says sometimes he takes out a random teenager just to send a message to the rest!” Dany said, her face alight with suppressed laughter.

 

 

Robb burst into snorting laughter. Theon fanned himself with his hat and tried to regain his composure.

 

 

The girls took their leave and Theon shouted down the drive way; “Bye bye Princess T-shirt and Jeans!”


	4. Must Love Dogs

_Ding-Dong!_

 

 

Theon wouldn’t have believed it if it wasn’t sitting on the door step in front of him.

 

 

Beric Dondarrion greeting him as Ramsey Bolton knelt and cooed to the biggest, ugliest dog Theon had ever seen.

 

 

Ramsey Bolton had been the biggest bastard in Bolton Mergers and Acquisitions history. He was ruthless in his tactics of making deals. He would take Mom and Pop businesses and hand them over to large cooperation’s for coppers on the crown, all the while playing fast and loose with the public trading options and making millions on the stock market. Notorious in his personal life as well, he had once flipped a half a million crown racing yacht because he wanted to see the splash and according to the divorce papers bullied his ex-wife into a deadly eating disorder.

 

 

Then he met human rights lawyer Beric Dondarrion and within side of a year quit the family firm. The reason he gave in a press release was that he wanted to be a better human being.

 

 

Some say it was the relief of coming out or he had a cocaine induced break down or his current girlfriend hit him on the head with a frying pan, but within a couple months of quitting the firm he and Beric moved from Kingslanding to a small farm outside of Wintertown and started a dog rescue.

 

 

“Isn’t she just the cutest?” Ramsey said as he knelt by the mangy carpet with fangs.

 

 

Robb curled his lip at the giant dog as it drooling all over the Welcome mat.

 

 

“Precious” he replied.

 

 

“Do you have anything without chocolate?” Ramsey asked straightening up. “We brought Kyra out tonight because she loves children…”

 

 

“Yeah with a side of fries and a diet Coke,” hissed Theon earning a jab in the ribs.

 

 

“… but she shouldn’t even be around chocolate.”

 

 

“We have ham in the frig!” Robb cried and ran into the house.

 

 

Theon rocked back and forth on his feet regarding Beric and his strange boyfriend.

 

 

“So you two got married?” Ramsey asked smiling in a way that showed all his teeth

 

 

Theon squirmed under his gaze. “Yes! This last summer!”

 

 

“That’s wonderful,” Ramsey said taking his boyfriend’s hand. “We hope to have such a ceremony for ourselves one day.”

 

 

Theon cocked his head and wondered if Robb had jumped out the kitchen window and ran into the woods.

 

 

“Sansa helped us plan it!” he said a little too shrilly.

 

 

Ramsey turned to his boyfriend, “Oh! We should ask her to help when we decide to have ours!”

 

 

Theon bit his lip; “Well, if I could do it over again I would have hired someone professional. Sansa was good and all but I would have changed a few things. Like the table runners clashed with the flower arrangements….”

 

 

“Look!” Robb cried as he appeared over Theon’s shoulder with a paper towel wrapped around some cold cuts. “Ham!”

 

 

He threw the slimy meat in the air and the huge slobbery dog caught it. It gobbled it up in a furry of wet, sucking sounds then signed.

 

 

Ramsey patted the dog on its gooey head and cooed to it.

 

 

“Well, we must be off!” he exclaimed.

 

 

“Blessings be upon you on this night,” spoke Beric as they turned down the walkway.

 

 

Just before they hit the driveway Ramsey looked over his shoulder and called, “By the way Theon, love your after shave.”

 

 

Then he winked and they were gone.

 

 

Robb shut the door and leaned against the wood covering his mouth as he let out a shrill, nervous laugh.

 

 

“What the fuck was that?” Theon exclaimed.

 

 

Robb shrugged.

 

 

“Don’t you ever leave me alone like that again!” Theon shrieked stabbing a finger into his husband’s shoulder.

 

 

Robb just giggled.

  
 

“Oh come now Theon, at least he liked the way you smelled!”

 


	5. The Night Was Long and Full of Vistors

_Ding dong!_

 

“Hello, my name is Thoros of Myr and this is Tom Sevenstring. Have you heard of the blessings of the Lord of Light? For the Night is-“

 

_Slam!_

 

“I’m eating their candy."

 

** *

 

_Ding-dong!_

 

“Thank you for choosing Hot Pie Pizza, the secret is in the sauce, that will $17.95.”

 

 

“That smells weird, what kind of pizza did you order?”

 

 

“Olives and pineapple!”

 

 

“I’m getting legal rights to your organs in the divorce.”

 

** *

 

 

_Ding-dong_

 

“Excuse me my car has broken down and my phone died, may I please use one of yours?”

 

 

“Sure! You can use mine! I’m Theon!”

 

 

“I’m Trystan, thanks for letting me use your phone, I’ll give it back in just a sec.”

 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

 

“Oh my god did you see those cheek bones?! And that curly black hair?! Let’s invite him in!”

 

 

“No way! It’s Stranger’s Night! There are horror movies that start out like this!”

 

 

“Yeah but so does some porn!”

 

 

“Thanks for letting me use your phone.”

 

 

“Trystan, would you like to come in for some coffee while you wait?”

 

 

“No thank you, I have to get back to my car. My cousins are coming to give me a jump and if I’m not there when they pull up they’ll kill me.”

 

***

 

_Ding-Dong_

 

 

"Oh hello Mr Baratheon!"

 

 

“I found this in the bushes under my daughters window. See to it that the young man learns some respect!”

 

 

_Slam!_

 

 

"Wow I never had someone slam my door in my face before."

 

 

"Rickon what the hell is wrong with you? Don't give me that look! Where are you going?  Get back here! When Mom and Dad get home you're in so much trouble!"

 

 

"Oh calm down, Robb. Mrs Baratheon is actually going to be thankful for Rickon!"

 

 

"Why is that?"

 

 

"Well he did what her gruesome haunted house couldn't; convert her husband!"

 

 

“Hows that?”

 

 

“He learned the night is dark and full of terrors, even if it’s just teenage hormones!”

 

“** *

 

_Ding-dong_

 

 

“Nice zombie costume, Arya but aren’t you a little old to go house to house begging for candy?"

 

 

“Too old for free candy?! Never!”

 

 

“Nice Westerosi Psycho costume Gendry!”

 

 

“Thank you. Could you by chance throw in some food from the frig? It would save us a fortune on the grocery bill this week.”

 

 

“Certainly! How would you like the leftover pizza?”


	6. Turn Out the Light, The Party is Over

The night was finally over.

 

 

At the stroke of nine, Robb shut off the lawn display and thankfully they ran out of candy at 9:55 so the porch light could be legitimately shut off.

 

 

Theon and Robb kicked off their costumes and settled in front of the fireplace with cups of warm cider.

 

 

“Does this make up for the pizza?” Robb asked as he pulled a small bottle of brandy from a hiding place by the couch.

 

 

Theon held out his cider and smiled, “It does”.

 

 

They were in the middle of some very NSFW touching when the door to the garage slammed.

 

 

They both silently cursed whomever was disrupting their well-deserved sexy time, when they heard a very angry voice from the laundry room followed by a chorus of laughter.

 

 

Peeking over the couch Robb spied Bran rolling in with Meera behind him, both laughing so hard tears where spilling down their cheeks.

 

 

Curiosity replaced anger as Theon sat up, nearly knocking Robb off the couch.

 

 

“What the hell is going on?” he asked reajsting his jeans.

 

 

Bran wiped the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath; “So we went to the “Night is Long and Full of Terrors” haunted house and got kicked out for laughing at the “Say No to Drugs" tableau. I mean no one has died from smoking mar…..”

 

 

Meera cleared her throat. Theon snickered

 

 

“Not that you would know anything about that,” Robb smiled.

 

 

“No!” Meera and Bran said together. “Never once.”

 

 

“Anyway,” Meera continued. “After getting kicked out of the haunted house we went to Big and Little Walder’s party but it was stupid so we left.”

 

 

Bran started to wheeze with suppressed laughter; “And when we walked to where we parked the car….”

 

 

“Some giant asshole jumped out of the bushes and sprayed me with a hose!” yelled Jojen from the doorway.

 

 

Robb and Theon took one look at the soppy teenager and burst into laughter.

 

 

“You look like a wet, pissed off purse dog!” Theon shrieked.

 

 

Robb was holding his sides as Theon crawled off the couch to go fetch towels from the linen closet.

 

 

Theon reminded himself to praise Sandor Clegane for his tireless effort to keep his house toilet paper and egg free on Stranger's Night as he opened the closet door.

 

 

When he pulled out the oldest looking towels something fell on the floor.

 

 

Theon looked down and was greeted with the world’s most beautiful sight; an unopened bag of miniature chocolate bars. There were all kinds; ones with peanuts, ones with almonds, ones with caramel, ones with crispy rice and little bars of pure chocolate all wrapped in their colorful, shiny, foil wrappers.

 

 

All responsibilities forgotten, Theon bent down and picked up the bag.

 

 

 _"I shouldn’t I shouldn’t I shouldn’t_ ," he whispered to himself. But himself was not listening because instead of returning the bag to its place behind the towels he dug his fingers into the plastic and ripped the bag in two.

 

 

The little foil morsels of heaven tumbled to the floor with Theon’s hands reaching for the shiny goodness.

 

 

Robb found him twenty minutes later sitting on the carpet, his fingers sticky, his mouth covered in chocolate, the empty husks of foil wrappers ringing him like a sacred stone circle.

 

 

“I see you found the bag I hid for you,” his husband scolded putting his hands on his hips.

 

 

Theon couldn’t speak. He was too full of sugar and was afraid he might be sick if he opened his mouth.

 

 

“Just stay out of the den,” Robb chastised as he picked up the towels for Jojen. “It cost a fortune to clean that bear skin rug last time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I hope everyone has a good Halloween full of chocolate!
> 
> Quick update; I am currently writing a sequel to "Surely You Know Such Things Do Not Exist" and will hopefully have a sample chapter up on tumblr soon.


End file.
